Monthly Archives: August 2016

So Stupid It’s Smart!

It’s time for a break from all the doom & gloom in which I’ve been wallowing lately.  Join me as I poke holes in the newest golden calf that I am sure we all love to mock: the “smartening” of common everyday items.

Bottom line up front: any product or service with the word “smart” in the title is most assuredly something so idiotic that no one with an IQ above room temperature would go anywhere near it.

First up: Smart “Food”.

smartpopcorn

OK, so it’s neither smart nor is it food.  It’s just popcorn – one of the highest margin snacks on the planet.  Obviously, it’s not the people eating this stuff who are “smart” but rather the marketing geniuses who invented this product (which isn’t even GMO-free).

Next: Smart Water.

smarth20

Bottled water is a scamSmart people know that.  So dumb people continue to drink the stuff (some of which can be very expensive) hoping that it makes them smarter.  Good luck with that!

Then there’s one of my all-time favorite absurdities: The Smart Car.

smartride

Listen – you should have to increase your life insurance rates just to get in one of these glorified golf carts let alone actually drive one on public roadways.  This thing is a deathtrap.  My Ram 1500 would roll right over the top of a Smart Car and I probably wouldn’t even spill any of my Smart Water while doing it.  But never fear – Darwin was right about everything, including Smart Car owners.  Say goodbye to the gene pool smarties!

Next.  Guns are tools.  It’s people who are smart (or dumb), right?

smartgat

Right (duh).  But that fact didn’t stop some (no doubt) really smart guy from inventing a gun that only works when being held by someone wearing the matching watch-thingie that controls its operation like an electric “key”.  The “Smart Gun” is so uselessly dumb on so many levels I can’t even begin to mock it adequately.  One can only imagine how many clueless Progressives and Social Justice Warriors there are out there who think that all the needless killing would end tomorrow if all our guns worked like thisWon’t somebody think of the children? <sniff>

The last three stupidly smart things go together because they all depend on public digital networks (aka “The Matrix”).

Smart house flat illustration concept

“Smart House” – (n.) Needless complication and technological dependence in service of convenience.

Don’t you want a “smart house”?  No?  What are you?  Dumb??!!  Everybody knows it’ll be a better world when we can all remotely adjust our thermostats (and close our garage doors, and set our home alarm system, and turn off lights, and freak the shit out of our cats and dogs in the process) with our cell phones while we are at work.  Why?  Because it will relieve us of the stress of having to worry about whether we did these things with our ACTUAL HANDS while we were still IN our houses.

Of course, if you can control your home from afar then I guarantee you I can too!  Oh what fun it will be to screw with every “smart” appliance in your crib.  Welcome to the “Internet Of Things” suckers.

dumbmeter

True story: when my local power utility recently adopted “Smart Meters”, I opted out.  They actually trespassed on my property to install this demonic device – which I swear pumped out so much radio frequency energy it made my fillings hum – so I sent them a nasty letter and demanded that they come back and remove it.  And they did.  Buy they sulked about how me exercising free will over my own property would prevent me from “realizing savings by having real-time usage data” at my fingertips.  I laughed because what they really wanted was the ability to remotely control my home’s electrical grid, including all major smart grid-compatible appliances I might have within.  I hate Statists, Collectivists, and Progressives with an equally white hot fiery passion and now you can add utility companies to that list.  No, you do not get to tell me what is good for me.  Now go away.

And last, but certainly not least, is the most beloved gadget in all of Murka: the Smart Phone.

cellphone_zombie_apocalypse_19

I could, and still might, write several blog posts about how colossally dumb smart phones are.  But they are so pernicious in how they’ve wormed their way into our lives that now no one views them with anything other than total and unreserved adoration.  Fact time.  Smart phones kill thousands of people a year, ruin our sleep, destroy our ability to make and retain new memories, and have reduced most of the population to drooling shambling zombified idiots.  And worst of all, carrying a smart phone makes tracking your daily routine – including where you go, how much you spend and on what, who you talk to, and what you do on the Internet – easier than ever.  That’s right, it’s NOT just a phone!  It’s a super-accurate electronic leash and guess who is holding the other end.

As I am so famous for pointing out as I move among the herd: Smart Phones are (still) 100% optional.  Contrary to what “they” are telling you, you don’t need a smart phone to survive.  Heck, you don’t even need one to be a normal, healthy, happy, successful and fully-functioning member of society.  How do I know?  BECAUSE I DON’T OWN ONE!  And I am the most normal, most healthy, happiest, and least messed-up person I know.  Coincidence?  I don’t think so…

newspeak

Don’t get me wrong.  I’m not saying I’m “smarter” because I avoid things with “smart” in their name.  But I have read Orwell and I know what Newspeak is.  And it is all around us.  “Common Sense Gun Control” is Newspeak, so is “Affordable Care Act”.

Do whatever you want with all this smart stuff.  It is still a “free country” (more Newspeak?) for at least a few more months anyways.  But be aware that you are being lied to constantly.  Also you are being manipulated in multiple hidden ways.  Things are being promised to you that simply aren’t being delivered.  Take smart phone usage for instance.  There isn’t one single thing you can do on that thing that I can’t do better with an old landline telephone, an up-to-date road atlas, an actual camera, and a current desktop personal computer connected to fast fiber.  So stop lying to yourself and stop lying to me about how much that Hershey bar-shaped thing in your pocket has “improved” your life.

We know we’re smart.  We don’t need all these stupid things around us constantly reminding us!